WHAT
THEY REALLY MEAN - A free guide to what politicians actually mean when they do
media interviews. We are well into the season of party conferences. The
broadcast media seem obsessed with the idea that the normal populations gives a
s*** about these expensive and self-congratulatory junkets. Turn on any half
decent radio station (Holbeach FM - that includes you out, sorry) and you will
be regaled with wall-to-wall interviews with creatures who have scuttled out
from under some party political stone, to blink in the daylight. They lie. They
dissemble. They avoid answering questions. They use a parallel language which
seems to make sense, but when analysed, signifies nothing. Next time you listen
to one of these charlatans, have this handy guide ready, so you can understand
what is really being said.
(1) "Firstly, I'd
like to....." If a politician begins an answer like this, then switch off
immediately. It means they have been expensively coached by some PR 'expert',
who may have scraped a 2:2 in Media Studies at the University of Chelmsford. It
also means they have no intention of answering any questions, but have an
agenda decided for them by their party special advisors.
(2) "This is a
conversation that we need to have with......" This means that one part of
the party is daggers drawn with another, and rather than implying a dialogue,
it translates as," I'm going to talk, and those bas****s are going to
listen."
(3) "We need to
move forward..." This is a sure sign that some horrendous dirt from a few
months ago has been uncovered by the press, but we have just invented a new
scheme to give free incontinence pads to gay Albanian pensioners in order to
deflect attention from the scandal.
(4) This is in the same
category as (4) When some official says, "Lessons have been learned
since...''(30 teenage girls groomed by Pakistani rapists, 18 old people died
through neglect and malnutrition in a care home, a delusional psychopath is
released into the community by Health 'professionals' and then stabs to death a
32 year old father of two on an Underground platform...) What this means is,
" S**t happens. The managers concerned have all been moved sideways, sent
on a two-day re-evaluation course, or have been given a generous pension and
been re-employed by G4S."
(5) "I have every
respect for..." This means that the person under discussion is a thieving,
unscrupulous, child-abusing, moronic retard who, were they to be on fire
outside the 99p shop, the interviewee would not p*ss on the flames.
(6) "The voters
have spoken, and I hope the winning candidate will continue to serve the
community as I have tried to do." A nice way of saying, "So, I spend
four years of my life listening to pathetic moans about dogshit on the
pavement, opening bloody fetes and picking up cans of Fosters and used condoms
from the village green, and they vote me out? The ungrateful,short-sighted retards deserve
all they get!"
