Friday, 12 December 2014


After a succession of posts about dark deeds from our shared Wisbech past, I am reminded that Pickwick has neglected one vital part of our Shared Agenda/Prospectus/Vision Statement/ Policy Guidelines (substitute any piece of modern management bullshit with which you are most comfortable) So, with a General Election - if not exactly looming - a flicker on the horizon, this post is by way of a public service broadcast. You will hear many of this phrases over the next six months, and you may need this essential cut-out-and-keep guide as a translation aid. This installment is free, but future issues will be competitively priced at £7.99, payable to Pickwick's offshore ethical investment account.

After a long and thorough consultation… - "My cabinet colleague has come up with a great idea…"
Community cohesion - what happens when migrants are allowed to burn the British flag and other national symbols, and then play the race card when challenged.
Fall for - what ordinary people do when they vote for an idea or policy not approved of by the mainstream parties.
Immigration - something which is great for businessmen, farmers and crooked landlords.
Foreign Aid - a system whereby working people in one country subsidise palaces, executive motor cars and space programmes in another country
Free speech - a state of affairs when certain people in the community can advocate beheading their opponents, and someone who opposes that idea is arrested for 'hate crime'
I hear what you are saying - "Your opinion is worth jack **** to me."
Laughter - what politicians resort to when their logical arguments fall on deaf ears, as in 'Still Laughing at UKIP'.
Let me make one thing perfectly clear - "I'm not answering your question, but I'm going to spin all around the houses with a load of gobbledygook."
Local elections - a process whereby a minority of people in a city, village or urban area decide who will run their affairs of the whole community for the next four years.
People in my community are genuinely feeling the pinch - "I have an all expenses paid flat in Islington, a family home in the Cotswolds, and a villa in Tuscany."
Political Party - a club where the members have to agree with every decision it makes, no matter how stupid or ruinous to the common good.
Populism - something that ordinary people believe is important, but which mainstream politicians think is bad for us - and them.
Postal voting poses certain challenges - "Strewth, the local Labour party has bought all the Asian votes again!"
Socialism - a form of government which takes money out of your pocket, and puts it into the pocket of someone who is either lazy, inept or criminal.
The electorate are vital stakeholders in our shared future - "Phew! Back in power for another four years! Take the 'phone off the hook, Miranda."
The exploitation of migrant labour is repellent - "Have you collected the rent from the Filipino nanny yet, Giles?"
The NHS is the jewel in our crown - "Anyone know where the nearest pawnbroker is…?"
The xxxx candidate conducted a fair and honourable campaign - "LMAO - the xxxx candidate only got 54 votes!"
We must work together, across party lines, for the good of the village/town/city/country - "I'm going to take the mickey out of my political opponents at every opportunity, and belittle them as much as possible."
We're listening to parents - We are telling parents to make trouble for those Lefty idiots, the teachers.
We must resist the inflationary pressure on wages - "That's a 10% pay rise for us MPs, then!"
We will not let this matter rest - "When the media have got tired of this story, we'll just carry on, same-old, same-old