THE SURVEY HAS NOW CLOSED. Many thanks to all those who took time to make their views known. The results will be published on this blog as soon as they have been analysed.

IN WHICH MR PICKWICK LEARNS IT IS ALWAYS POSSIBLE TO BE TOO MUCH OF A SMART-ARSE. While not quite repeating the nation-wide panic which Orson Welles' famous radio broadcast of 'The War Of The Worlds' engendered in 1938, my feeble satire has convinced some people that Wisbech is, indeed closed for business. Despite the fact that one of the photos clearly shows an Abbey National branch which we haven't had since Adam was a young lad, some people have cancelled their shopping trip to Wisbech tomorrow. 

NO, EVERYTHING THAT WAS OPEN IS STILL OPEN. You can still buy a pair of 58 inch waist elasticated slacks at Evisons, a bag of Brancaster mussels from Mrs Finnis, a mouth-watering haslet from Mr Williams at Franks, and so on and so on at all the brilliant shops which Wisbech still has.

FOR THE CURIOUS, the photos come from May 2010, on the eve of the riot that never was, when local shopkeepers took fright at the prospect of a battle between the National Front and gangs of Travellers, over the Tony Martin issue.

WHILE YOU ARE IN TOWN, call in at the excellent Number 10 cafe and buy tickets for this late (or early) panto. It looks like another example of one of the many excellent things that go on around the town, despite the moaning and negativity. Rumours abound that the show-stopping final to Act III features Steve Tierney singing his version of the Bob Hope classic, 'Fangs For The Memory'. Let us all hope that it is not merely a rumour!

AHEAD OF TONIGHT'S TOWN MEETING, councillors and business leaders were too distressed to comment after the sudden collapse of most of the established shops in the town centre.

One long established retailer, who refused to be named, but described himself as 'Horrified Of The High Street', said, "That's it - we can't take any more - I'm setting up in a layby on the A17 - it's a lovely location not far from Kelly's Big Baps."

"This wouldn't have happened if we still had the railway and the canal," said one disillusioned retailer. "We told the council that this would happen, but they just wouldn't listen."

Councillor Jeremy Smirks-Widely, who chairs the local Planning Committee, said."It's all too easy to be negative at times like this. What people have to remember is that times change. We are a dynamic community, and I see a bright future for the town centre.

 

Councillor Smirks-Widely added, "My desk is already covered with applications from viable businesses wanting to take over these vacant premises." Under a Freedom Of Information request, it was later revealed that these included submissions from an Albanian dating agency, seven bookmakers, a firm based in Colombia selling hydroponic equipment and leather goods retailer called 'Sleaze 'n' Tease.

APOLOGIES TO ANYONE WHO HAS TRIED TO ACCESS THE SURVEY THIS MORNING (FRIDAY)- I closed it for a couple of hours to check on some technical issues. It should be available again now.

IN WHICH YOUR INTREPID BLOGGER revisits the North Norfolk coast in the company of an Archaeology M.A., enjoys a Victorian lunch, addresses a board meeting of the international Media Corporation, Wisbech...Oh Dear PLC, then is humbled by a conversation with people from seven different countries.

Let no-one rubbish the value of education for its own sake in my presence. I may not have the strength of olden times, but I can still deliver a fairly savage kick to the balls (Gender politicians - please substitute an anatomical region of your choice) I went for a day out with my third son 'up past Hunny'. Avoiding about 700 cranky, glaring, self-righteous RSPB zealots at Titchwell, we retreated to Thornham Marshes, where I trailed in the lad's wake, being educated by the minute on subjects as varied as migrating waders, Roman seafaring, shellfish consumption in 18th century East Anglia, and the true story of Holme's 'Seahenge' To the depths of hell with modern history teaching. This bloke ACTUALLY KNOWS STUFF

I am sure that eating whitebait is illegal. It is too deep-fried, too delicious, too much like infanticide (all those innocent baby fish) too crunchy and too eco-unfriendly. That actually makes it taste even better. To the eco-warriors and sustainability freaks, I offer the charitable thought that I hope you choke on your lentils and ethically-sourced soya mince..

AND THEN - a quick burst down the coast road to a select venue, where the executive board of Wisbech...Oh Dear were assembled for their quarterly meeting.

I tried, but I tried in vain. You will notice the various admins seated around the table, and responding to my exhortations. "WOD - please try to stop referring to middle-aged ladies breaking silent wind on the X1 in the morning - it is unedifying." "HJ - Your obsession with romantic nights with plump MILFS at Mendis is doing nothing to help rejuvenate Wisbech Town Centre, and S M - your jokes are testing the patience of all but the most tolerant of our readers.

YOUR BLOGGER DECIDED TO PUT HIS EXPERIENCE WHERE HIS MOUTH WAS and offer to help out with some English teaching at The Rosmini Centre. I spent a couple of hours in the company of a group of really lovely people. This sounds like the lead-in to a bad joke, but here goes..."There was this Estonian, this Greek, this Lithuanian, this Bulgarian, this Portuguese, this Vietnamese.." And I am not making this up. Warmth, enthusiasm and an eagerness to learn and integrate. Only a handful of people, granted, but let's take a deep breath before we let fly with torrents of rage against migrants.

TOMORROW I CLOSE THE SURVEY, and I expect that the results will please no-one, and that your blogger will be skating on thin ice (Very unsubtle link to picture, above)

DOES ANYONE READ ‘THE PICKWICK PAPERS’ THESE DAYS? For those not in the know, it was the first novel published by Charles Dickens, and told the tale of a kind and wealthy old gentleman who, with some friends, decided to ‘extend his researches into the quaint and curious phenomena of life’ I was forced to read it at school, and I have remained fond of it ever since. It is not side-splittingly funny by modern standards, but is a kind of ‘Last Of The Summer Wine’ set in the 1820s.

It occurred to me that I have many similarities with Samuel Pickwick. I hope I am kind, and I am certainly an old gentleman, and I do try to extend my researches into the quaint and curious phenomena of life – in Wisbech.  In the original book, each chapter was headed with a teasing summary of what lay ahead, something along the lines of, ‘In which our hero discovers a disagreeable truth, is reunited with a relative, and finds that his habits are disagreeable to one he admires.’

If I were in Pickwickian mode, I would preface today’s chapter as follows. “In which a kindly gentleman receives an early visit from a nationally – known figure bearing a rejected letter, is contacted by a researcher from a publicly-funded broadcaster, then after making a heartfelt apology to one he has wronged, hears an astonishing proposal.” Certainly wordy enough for Dickens, but all true. I will reveal some, but not all. My nationally known early visitor was a lady who has had several brushes with the law – as in Civil Courts Of, not the local beak. She is a campaigner on moral issues, and many years ago, took on the might of the medical profession over contraception, parental rights and patient confidentiality. She had sent a letter to the local paper, quite unprompted by any debate this blog might have started, and was frustrated that they had chosen not to print it. She brought it to Pickwick Towers in the hope that I might be able to give it some exposure. I will publish her letter in full at the weekend, when I publish the results of the survey.

Regarding my apology, I will not go into details, because that would compound the felony. Suffice to say, the offended party has graciously accepted my apology, and I will be more thoughtful in future when playing around with Photoshop. The call from the publicly-funded broadcaster, and the astonishing proposal will have to wait for another day.

I have been reminded, quite forcefully, that the only people who fill in the survey are bigoted activists and people with an axe to grind, and anyway, it is flawed because the filtering which is meant to prevent multiple replies can be circumvented....and on, and on.....and, probably, on. I will attach the largest possible Health Warning to the survey results when they are available, and will wriggle, squirm and grovel on demand. But many of you have chosen to fill in the survey, and I will publish the results. People can draw whatever conclusions they choose to. One mischievous thought; cries of “not statistically viable..”, “unrepresentative...” do not sit too easily with examination of the turnout in various wards in local elections. An unworthy thought..? Absolutely, and I withdraw it unconditionally. Ooops, the delete key seems to have stuck.

THE SURVEY IS OPEN UNTIL FRIDAY

 

 

THERE HAS BEEN AN AMAZING RESPONSE TO THE SURVEY! WHEN I LAST CHECKED, THERE WERE OVER 100 REPLIES! I know it's still not scientific, but the poll software prevents people from doing multiple replies, so when I close the survey at the weekend, and start to collate the findings, it will mean there is a genuine body of local opinion to take to those who are setting themselves up to solve 'The Wisbech Problem'. I have a genuine fear that any solutions which these people come up with will be guided strictly along party political lines, and tempered by the overiding interests of local businesses and landlords. PLEASE, PLEASE, SOMEONE PROVE ME WRONG!
I was mildly diverted by the fact that after The Wizzy Standard had produced their lavish 'souvenir pull-out' featuring all that was awesome about Wisbech, their bitter rival The Fenland Citizen countered with a front page splash featuring their own group of high powered troubleshooters. I really don't know any of the worthies featured on the photo, but couldn't resist bringing in a couple of other notable problem-solvers who have, between them, several lifetimes of experience at sorting out dilemmas.

I WAS ALSO OVERJOYED TO HEAR that the official Opposition in these parts, the Lib Dems, were fully committed to restoring the Wisbech-March rail link, with fully functional passenger services. Bearing in mind the millions and millions of private finance, erm, sorry, YOUR money, that this would take, I am backing a twice daily Space Shuttle service from The Horsefair to Mars and, in response to several calls from my OAP compatriots, I am pleased to announce that your bus pass WILL be honoured on this route.

WORK IS EXPECTED TO BEGIN SHORTLY ON THE LAUNCHPAD, once a few little local difficulties have been resolved with the taxi-drivers. I will close with a little selection of pictures of some of the nicer parts of Wizbekistan, somewhat romanticised with the help of Photoshop, but still Wisbech, nonetheless. Bon Nuit.