Wisbech Community Forum

Follow @wisbechevenmore

CONSTANTINE HOUSE - 2014 REVEALED

JANUARY

Grand reopening of Constantine House postponed. An FDC spokesperson says,"We are working tirelessly with approved partners for a successful outcome to this community project which has raised the flagpole for a holistic high altitude view of the ongoing situation."

FEBRUARY

March Town Band said to be "incandescent" over last minute cancellation by Fenland District Council. The band had been booked to play at the delayed opening of the refurbished Constantine House. At the last minute, the ceremony was cancelled. An FDC official said," We regret the inconvenience caused to stakeholders, but several high profile providers have dropped the ball on this occasion." Bandleader Alf Miggins said, "We are well gutted. We had been rehearsing a special arrangement of 'Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life.'

MARCH

Crowds had to be dispersed by riot police outside Constantine House today. They had gathered to celebrate the long-awaited reopening of the iconic Wisbech landmark, but the mood turned ugly when it became clear that the ceremony was not to go ahead. In a press release, the FDC Beloved Leader said, "We are involved in Blue Sky Thinking here, and when we have all our ducks in a row, we will fire the silver bullet which will set this exciting civic regeneration initiative up and running,"

APRIL

A disappointed crowd of three people who had been queuing overnight to attend the proposed reopening of Wisbech's Constantine House turned ugly, as the ceremony was postponed at the last moment. FDC officers responsible or regeneration issued a press release saying, "We have re-baselined the green light governance of this integral initiative, and we are fully committed to maintaining the council's reputation for fostering a 'can-do culture'". In the resultant melee a journalist from Suffolk was arrested by police, but was bailed to appear before magistrates in 2020.

MAY

They are certainly dancing on the potholed streets of Wisbech's Nene Quay tonight, after a huge crowd gathered to celebrate the unveiling of three new giant photographs of idyllic Fenland scenes, which have been put in place to cover the crumbling facade of Constantine House. The only sour note was sounded by the ill-mannered booing by the crowd every time the face of FDC's Beloved Leader appeared on the many big screens erected around the town.

JUNE

In a shock development, on the eve of the removal of the plywood windows of Constantine House, the Executive Institute of Environmental Infrastructure Organisations (Ee-eye-ee-eye-oh) called a halt to restoration work, as their scientists have discovered a colony of endangered rats in the building. The Javanese Bluefoot Rat (Caeruleus Piedica Javensis Rattus) is unknown outside its Indonesian heartland, but scientist believe it has been attracted to the Fenland site by the abundance of its main dietary requirement - pigeon excrement.

JULY

There was a widely supportive response on social media tonight, as the Beloved Leader of FDC, flanked by his media spokesperson, issued the following statement. "Regarding Constantine House, we are aware that there has been an unfortunate level of public cynicism about our approach. It is with deep sincerity that I say to you today, we have focused on area-specific benchmarking that, alongside our commitment to citizen-specific community engagement, will ensure a mutually beneficial outcome which will ultimately empower all end-users."

AUGUST

An attempt to stage an alternative  Wisbech Rock Festival on the roof of Constantine House came to an abrupt end when the drummer of the local band 'Negligence' crashed through the decaying timbers as the band launched into their opening number 'We Are Wisbech'. The drummer, Wayne Thribb, is in a critical condition, as he awaits a potentially crucial Basspedalectomy.

SEPTEMBER

Several pleasure cruisers, three families of ducks, two migrant geese and a discarded sofa had their journey down the Nene disrupted today as a large part of the facade of Constantine House collapsed into the river. The Beloved Leader of FDC said, in an emotional broadcast to thousands of supporters anxiously gathered in Wisbech Market Place, "This is a minor setback. I have a dream. A dream that one day, people will be able to walk into The Belfast Building and buy rayon sheets and nylon pillow-cases. I have a dream!"

OCTOBER

A plan to turn the derelict Constantine House into the St Pancras of NE Cambridgeshire has been shelved, after a bitter disagreement between local solicitors Hooke, Lyne & Sinker, builders Fenland Erections, and fourteen of the sixteen groups rivalling each other to restore what has been called "one of the most evocative railway lines between two Cambridgeshire towns which begin with 'M' and 'W'".

NOVEMBER

As more of Constantine House subsides into Nene Quay and the river, FDC officers hit back at critics " We have organised a fast-track facilitation of on-line resources to ensure a beneficial collective outcome to this minor problem. We have engaged users, introduced a framework compatible with community flexibilities and freedoms and, given the coterminous evidence based research by our investigative officers, we say, with the utmost confidence, that in 2015 we will be funding a feasibility survey to look into the possibility of replacing the existing photographs of Fenland scenes with specially commissioned graffiti by The Southwell Road Artists' Collective."

DECEMBER

Grand reopening of Constantine House postponed. FDC officer in charge says,"Tirelessly, we are working with approved partners for a high altitude view of the ongoing situation to this community project which has raised the flagpole for a holistic successful outcome."